So I am going to write about three topics. My health, work, and myself. Yep. Pretty much me, me, me. This is my blog though and I need to vent.
Health:
I have been having serious stomach/intestinal tract issues that I should probably check out. I keep feeling really crappy in that whole part of my body. I am thinking my beloved Coke Zero has got to go or maybe all diet drinks. Also, as some of you might know I occasionally take a stronger medicine to deal with pains in my body. It makes me feel all swishy and very airy feeling in my muscles. Well, about 5 times now I have felt that well I was going about normal every day activities. It's all really crazy stuff. I wish I knew what was going on exactly with my body because it feels like it is going through some major changes. I think my diet has probably changed over the years as well as my age, but I think something else must be going on. I keep thinking I should do one of those "detox" things were you eat like just lettuce and stuff. However, I am pretty sure I would pass out at work if I did that. It would probably be worth the challenge though.
Work:
I started working full-time on salary at a company called Sight and Sound almost a year and half ago. This company is full of people that have no clue what they are doing. Three people including myself actually have an understanding of show production. I am getting sick of working with idiots on a daily basis. The current trip I am on is a perfect example of me working with people that just don't get it. Here is an analogy. Blindfold someone (not in the sexy way!) and give them a gun. Point the blindfolded person at the direction of the target and fire. Sure, some of the bullets will be spot on the target, but the delivery is total crap and it's a freaking blindfolded person with a gun. Ugh. Is all I have to say.
Two producers are trying to get my attention yet I still find myself working stupid hours at a dead end job with pretty good pay.
Myself:
My passion for things is gone. Like everything. I don't want to really build anything or build anything sexy. I don't really get the big thrill in my spirit when I am around other people. I just function like an old steam train, probably quite jerky at times and slow and steady but seemingly nothing will stop it. I want to instill work and to have worth derived from others. I know I have worth for what I can do. I have too much self worth when it comes to that (see above under work!). I however, don't perceive self worth from others for me just being me and I probably don't instill it in anyone either.
I want to hit the rewind button on life about now.
Robbie
Sunday, 01 November 2009
Two things happen in regards to this blog. When something becomes pressing on my thought life I either write it here to make it available for everyone to see, or I just forget about it deciding not to share it.
This past Thursday I was at work using an unsecured wireless network at the Hyatt when I read on facebook Mo was having her gallbladder removed. I do not know even the partial story, but apparently this has been the cause of her side pains for the past several years. There was an overwhelming concern for her well being when I read about her having the surgery. Surgeries can be pretty serious things no matter how routine. I had my appendix removed when I was 16 years old via the same method she was about to have her gallbladder removed.
Ok, here is the point, I called three people and eventually got a hold of James Tucker. I asked him if he could stop what he was doing and pick up a dozen white roses I found out Winn Dixie on Beach and St. Johns had after a few phone calls around town. Work ended around midnight when I picked up the flowers from James house and went to Baptist South to room 572 to drop them off. And that is what I did.I took a dozen white roses to the 5th floor of Baptist South at 12:30am in the morning along with a short note. I left them with the nurse because I didn’t want to disturb.
I am happy this is over. It was something that was in my life that I am happy is gone. I don’t know why but I am plagued my a memory of it. It had to be in the fall of 2005 in the parking lot of FCCJ. The side pain things were very new at that point. I remember were the car was parked and how I was told repeatedly to leave ad just go home. I didn’t know what to do so I just did what every kid is supposed to do in America when someone is hurting and that is call 911. I remember a fire truck and ambulance showing up and a bunch of guys with purple gloves pulling Mo from her Taurus. They pretty much drove off in a hurry and left me there in the parking lot. I was told what hospital they were taking her to and I shortly followed.
Mo was in so much pain that night and the last time I was her was when they pulled her from her car. When I got to the hospital her dad was there who pretty much hates my guts. I couldn’t go back so I went to the parking lot. I remember calling my mom and then talking to David and them telling me that they were praying for me as well as it was probably pretty stressful. I hung up the phone and sat there with tears in my eyes of stress of seeing someone hurt so much. I eventually pulled up the shorts on my left thigh and started cutting it with the needle point of a drafting compass. I could not stand to see someone in so much pain and me not feel anything.
I had to feel some sort of pain to feel human at that pain as my mind could take no more of the stress.
When I read about the surgery I was ecstatic. I smiled. It’s over. Years of pain are over. I haven’t been this happy for someone in a very long time.
I am thinking I should make this less accessible. Does it really do you any good to read this? It might be more harmful and unproductive for you to sit here and read this stuff.
Also, I closed the lease on the apartment on 1925 Perry Street. It’s all done with $437.50 in my pocket!
I can ignore thoughts and feelings of caring I have for people and concern for there future well being. I can kiss it goodbye and write someone off. Treat the person as if they died.
And I just did that for about 13 days. Then I am suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling of concern for that person and where there life is and how they are doing and there happiness and just everything.
The silly part is that eventually by the end of today when I in the back of a box truck shoving cases full of gear and then subsequently driving back to my vehicle I will start to forget this. It's like hitting a speed bump on the interstate going 100 miles per hour.
There are too many people that I should care too much about, but neglect all concern for them out of distinct circumstances only to suddenly spark and remember why I should care so much about them, yet then continue driving 100 miles per hour with no way to see the next speed bump in my life.
Robbie
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Starting with myself, we all need to think more about what we are saying to people in the circumstances. The past several days I have been sick and around alot of different people from work and some friends and even people I will probably never meet again. It's kinda of the nature of my job to meet a bunch of people on a day to day basis only to form a instant relationship that instantly ends in less than half a day.
But really now, we all need too and me espicially watch the things that escape our mouths and how that might be interpreted to the person we are saying it to.
And having said that:
There is nothing like being kicked while you are down and then later being asked if you are doing ok.
I need to be much more careful with what I say.
Robbie
Monday, 19 October 2009
Ok, that lost entry was just me freaking out. I am much better now. Of course I am at work as well.
Strange stuff. When I forget to look at the big picture things seem much worse then they are. Everything is ok.
